10 Hilarious Tips For Surviving The “Toddler Years”

1. Learn to appreciate the word, “NO.”

Even if the question is, “Do you want a cookie?” your toddler will probably take this opportunity to make it clear that you are not in control. 

2. Have cat-like reflexes, and be prepared to respond to every situation like a fucking Ninja.

Toddlers are a lot like spider monkeys. It takes less than a second to climb over gates, scale walls, and attempt to fly off of basically anything. In this scenario, the ability to be in seven places at once is preferable. However, if you are lacking in this department, simply be prepared, at all times, to jump from one side of your house to the other at lightening speed.

3. Keep anything that can be thrown or used as a weapon as close to the ceiling as possible.

This list includes, but is not limited to pencils, pens, crayons and markers, the family pet, television remotes, toys, books, and whatever else isn’t nailed to the floor.

4. Learn to embrace being beaten about the head, neck, and face with whatever is handy.

See #3

5. If you are looking for something, and it was at any time in your toddler’s possession, it’s definitely in the toilet.

Your toddler may not be interested in using the potty for training, but it sure is a fun place to hide stuff.

6. Always have crackers in your hand.

Toddlers can be bribed.

7. Be bilingual.

When toddlers get angry, they often swear and say terribly harsh things in a language that is definitely not English. I’m pretty sure my toddler speaks German, but yours might speak something else entirely.

8. No matter what you are doing for your toddler, hurry the fuck up.

Toddlers are busy. They don’t have the time or patience to wait for you to dilly dally around making them breakfast etc. What’s the matter with you? You should have had that shit ready yesterday.

9. Whatever you are eating, reading, or looking at belongs to your toddler.

Nothing is yours until he’s done with it, and even then he’ll reserve the right to change his mind and reclaim it. There is only one exception to this rule. If your toddler claims ownership of a snack you’re eating and doesn’t like it, the bite will be drooled onto his shirt, and the rest of the item will be thrown onto the floor; still not yours.

10. Say good-bye to privacy in the bathroom.

Seriously. What the hell are you doing in there anyway?

Oh, and one more thing…

DO NOT have, borrow, purchase, hold, or wear anything nice OR expensive when in the presence of your toddler. 

Trust me, you’ll thank me later.

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8 thoughts on “10 Hilarious Tips For Surviving The “Toddler Years”

  1. This applies to little girls as well. The only caveat is that they're more emotionally abusive. Immediately after hugging you, they can look you square in the eye and tell you to go die in a hole.

  2. We are well past the toddler years in my house but all of those had me nodding my head and saying "hell yes!"

  3. I literally cannot imagine what your life must be like with TWO fucking toddlers. I mean, … really. WOW. You're my idol, Dude.

  4. Kathy Radigan says:

    As a mom to three kids, two of them boys, I can say that your tips are not only hysterical, they are also extremely accurate!! The thing that is most maddening about them is that just when you want to throw the towel in, they give you a winning smile and tell you that they love you and that you are the prettiest mommy!! xo Oh, invest in Colorox wipes. Now! xox

  5. Is it bad that I'm relieved to know that I'm not the only one who's getting beaten up by my 28.5-lb toddler? This list is spot on.

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