I don’t usually make my sex life public, but it has come to my attention that it’s a thing people talk about. So, while many people might want to talk about all the sex they are having, I’d like to take a moment to address the top ten reasons I’m probably going to say, “Not tonight.” 

Here you have it…


#1 I’m tired.

DUH. After just spending twenty minutes in my own head, I’m exhausted. One of my partner’s standard seduction tricks is giving me a “massage,” and I literally can’t remember the last time I didn’t fall asleep before the, “big move.”

#2 I find it difficult to feel sexy when I’m much hairier than my partner. 

Let’s just say I might be camera ready for a “bow-chicka-bow-now” 70s-style porn video, with the option of super-cheesy storyline.

“Did someone order a pizza?”

Nope, sorry I’m too tired to answer the door to accept the delivery, never mind give (or take) a tip. When the hell did my bikini line travel half way down my thighs? Nobody knows.


#3 My partner said something stupid and/or insensitive a month ago and I’ve just remembered.

There is no statute of limitations on insensitive comments, and I reserve the right to decide, right before bed, that I’m not completely over it.

#4 My partner and I haven’t had the chance to have a two hour conversation* about my feelings regarding the stupid and/or insensitive thing they said last month.
I have a lot of feelings. They change often, and I reserve the right to revisit all the things at any time.
*For the record, my partner’s willingness to endure these torturous chats often results in actual sex.
#5 I can’t remember the last time I showered, and I smell like a petting zoo.

#6 I just showered.

I’m clean! I’m finally clean! Do you really think I want to get all dirty again?

#7 It’s highly probable I have to poop.

Constipation is my life. I’m pretty much gassy and bloated all the time, and although that may sound super sexy, it’s not.

#8 I may or may not have a urinary tract infection. 

#9 Personal space is never overrated.

I spend A LOT of time having my space invaded by other people. Some nights, after the kids go to bed and I regain ownership of my body, I don’t feel like sharing it.

It’s MINE.

#10 We just had sex yesterday.

What the hell do you think this is? 


Have anything to add to this list? Please tell me everything below in the comments!
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3 years ago

I have a Pap smear tomorrow.

I just pooped

We have a sleep over with other people’s kids

My mom said she was coming over

I don’t feel like it


4 years ago

*nods head* Yes. All of this. Yes.

4 years ago

True dat

orana velarde
4 years ago

ok. Just the choice of visual overload you´ve got here is enough to make me pee my pants. And that´s just gonna make my panties stink so Im probably not having any sex tonight either.