I don’t usually make my sex life public, but it has come to my attention that it’s a thing people talk about. So, while many people might want to talk about all the sex they are having, I’d like to take a moment to address the top ten reasons I’m probably going to say, “Not tonight.”
Here you have it…
#1 I’m tired.
DUH. After just spending twenty minutes in my own head, I’m exhausted. One of my partner’s standard seduction tricks is giving me a “massage,” and I literally can’t remember the last time I didn’t fall asleep before the, “big move.”
#2 I find it difficult to feel sexy when I’m much hairier than my partner.
Let’s just say I might be camera ready for a “bow-chicka-bow-now” 70s-style porn video, with the option of super-cheesy storyline.
“Did someone order a pizza?”
Nope, sorry I’m too tired to answer the door to accept the delivery, never mind give (or take) a tip. When the hell did my bikini line travel half way down my thighs? Nobody knows.
#3 My partner said something stupid and/or insensitive a month ago and I’ve just remembered.
There is no statute of limitations on insensitive comments, and I reserve the right to decide, right before bed, that I’m not completely over it.
*For the record, my partner’s willingness to endure these torturous chats often results in actual sex.
#6 I just showered.
I’m clean! I’m finally clean! Do you really think I want to get all dirty again?
#7 It’s highly probable I have to poop.
Constipation is my life. I’m pretty much gassy and bloated all the time, and although that may sound super sexy, it’s not.
#8 I may or may not have a urinary tract infection.
#9 Personal space is never overrated.
I spend A LOT of time having my space invaded by other people. Some nights, after the kids go to bed and I regain ownership of my body, I don’t feel like sharing it.
#10 We just had sex yesterday.
What the hell do you think this is?
Have anything to add to this list? Please tell me everything below in the comments!