When I was 36 weeks pregnant with my youngest, I had the brilliant idea to get my first ever Brazilian bikini wax. I could not see my 70’s style porn bush, but I knew it was there. It was July, and I was desperate to feel anything less than disgusting. I was also, for some reason oddly concerned with esthetics and not visually accosting my midwife. It’s important to note: I delivered my second child at a teaching hospital, and apparently welcomed a slew of medical students to come watch me shit into a bucket while expelling a tiny human from my body. Maybe (obviously) that previous experience had me extra self-conscious, but I’ve since learned irrational fear in action during pregnancy is not unique. 

A year later, a friend called me to her home after being treated for a vaginal abscess. Ouch, right?  She had bravely and blindly taken a razor downtown and there had been “complications.” At one point, she grabbed a mirror assess the damages, and (abscess aside) did not recognize her own girly bits. If I remember correctly her exact words were,

“What the fuck, Julie? What happened to my pretty, pink vagina?”

She was very distressed over the fact that I hadn’t warned her; as if as simple as a heads up about traffic on the freeway. It had been my duty to prepare her, and I had failed. After a bout of hysterical laughter, I agreed she made good points. No one had warned me of all the ways my body would turn on me during the incubation period. I mean, let’s face it. If we were all armed with these hard facts before conception, over-population would likely not be an issue.

However, because she asked so nicely, I promised to dig deep into my subconscious, assess my own damages, and make her a thorough list of possibilities. Here’s what I came up with.

1. Say goodbye to your pretty, pink vagina.

I’m not sure we’re meant to fully understand all the ways Mother Nature insists on messing with all our junk during pregnancy. Perhaps she is concerned the glorious light pink tint of our lady parts may blind the OB under the fluorescent lights of a delivery room. Maybe it’s just all the blood rushing for the door without consideration for vadge-vanity. I do not know. For whatever dumb reason, during some stage in pregnancy, expect your sweet stuff to darken a few shades.

2. Say hello to your “happy trail.”

Do not be fooled by the word “happy” in this phrase. Whomever coined the phrase should be fired.

How happy can a trail of new and unwelcomed hair growth between your boobs and vagina be? The only reasoning I can ascertain is to provide a road map for the baby straight to lunch. Why it arrives months before the baby does, I may never understand. What I do know is that is nothing “happy” about it.

Something else no one tells you (because it should be somewhat obvious)? DO NOT – under any circumstances – SHAVE OR WAX THAT SHIT. It may take forever for it to go away, and for some it may never fully go, but shaving it will almost surely result in some level of “happiness” forever.

3. Prepare for stretch marks.

Some women get them, and some women don’t. I think it’s supposed to depend on genes and luck or maybe karma. In any event, it may help to keep your belly lathered with Vaseline for nine months.

I was lucky enough not to get any on my belly, but the marks on my boobs provide a GPS route straight to my nips. That’s what happens when you go from an A cup to a D cup and then down to a B. Which leads us to. the next item on the list.

4. Those giant-ass boobs you always thought you wanted?

This might be a pleasant side effect for some, but the fun may be short-lived and not-so-fun for all.

My partner loved them, and I won’t lie – having actual cleavage for a minute felt kinda sexy. Sadly for everyone, however, they were often just for show. For most of my pregnancy my funbags felt like they were filled with shards of glass. After I gave birth, they were mostly targeted as both a major food source and chew toy, so…yeah.

If you are lucky enough to enjoy your post baby hooters, make sure you really do because it may make the after effects somewhat worth the literal weight.

5. Perky boobs, cute bras, and human-sized areolas may become a distant memory.

I suppose Mother Nature gets another point for preparation here. Apparently, when babies are born they don’t have the greatest eyesight. For this reason, our areolas (and nipples) darken and become larger to direct traffic. Not to brag, but after three kids I could easily land a 757 from 100,000 ft.

6. Where we’re going, we don’t need no stinkin’ sexy shoes.

Do not fret over the possibility that the gravity of a big belly may result in a top-heavy tumble. Mother Nature, once again, has your back). My feet grew a half size with each of my pregnancies. When I had my daughter I was a size 8, and I’m currently rocking a 9.5 shoe. If you are, or plan to become pregnant, and have a cute collection of red bottoms, you might consider creating a Poshmark account real quick.

7. “Child bearing” hips

Need I say more? After three kids, my hips are primed for delivery at any moment. The days of shopping in the junior’s department for pants that don’t button below my belly button are over. I have vague memories of enjoying the hunt for jeans, but now I have to go before or after therapy so I don’t jump a bridge.

If you have made it this far, you should consider yourself officially warned about the dangers of ignorance surrounding pregnancy and childbirth. The rest is up to you.

If you liked this post, and appreciate my tendency to over-share, you may also enjoy reading the top 10 reasons I’m probably not having sex tonight.

0 0 votes
Article Rating
Subscribe
Notify of

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

36 Comments
Newest
Oldest Most Voted
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Leslie
11 years ago

Girl, you are speaking my love language. I'm pretty sure nobody tells us these things because most of us would never breed if we knew what would happen to all our fun parts. Thanks for telling it like it is!

Leslie
11 years ago

Girl, you are speaking my love language. I'm pretty sure nobody tells us these things because most of us would never breed if we knew what would happen to all our fun parts. Thanks for telling it like it is!

Yup, all 100% sadly, sadly true. I'm actually kind of glad I didn't know this stuff to begin with – or that it would get worse and worse after each baby!

Yup, all 100% sadly, sadly true. I'm actually kind of glad I didn't know this stuff to begin with – or that it would get worse and worse after each baby!

Mommy Needs Martinis
11 years ago

So seriously godforsaken true.

"You have also been alerted to never walk by my bedroom window at night (yikes)."

I prefer the kitchen window, anyway 😉

Mommy Needs Martinis
11 years ago

So seriously godforsaken true.

"You have also been alerted to never walk by my bedroom window at night (yikes)."

I prefer the kitchen window, anyway 😉

I hated my giant boobs! I never used to wear a bra. When I was pregnant, they hurt when I trotted down the stairs. Now, they're back to the normal SIZE, but if I don't wear a bra, they're invisible.

I hated my giant boobs! I never used to wear a bra. When I was pregnant, they hurt when I trotted down the stairs. Now, they're back to the normal SIZE, but if I don't wear a bra, they're invisible.

Debbie
11 years ago

well – um…I guess there is a reason dim (or no lights in my case) are used during the deed. In the dark no one can tell if it is pink, purple or polka dotted.

Debbie
11 years ago

well – um…I guess there is a reason dim (or no lights in my case) are used during the deed. In the dark no one can tell if it is pink, purple or polka dotted.

Rose
11 years ago

Oh my goodness. Very sad and very accurate. I try not to tell people who haven't been through the horrors themselves. Once they've done it too, there is no such thing as too much information between friends.

Rose
11 years ago

Oh my goodness. Very sad and very accurate. I try not to tell people who haven't been through the horrors themselves. Once they've done it too, there is no such thing as too much information between friends.

Amanda Bruce
11 years ago

hahahahhaha. so true. I was gazing at my post-baby body the other day and was noting the exact changes you mention!

Amanda Bruce
11 years ago

hahahahhaha. so true. I was gazing at my post-baby body the other day and was noting the exact changes you mention!

Jessica
11 years ago

Yup yup yup. And so much more. I took it upon myself to go the TMI with many of my pregnant friends for the same reasons. Also get her up to speed on childbirth. (I can help: http://theseversons.net/2011/04/this-is-how-i-throw-a-baby-shower/ Mesh panties 4eva!)

Jessica
11 years ago

Yup yup yup. And so much more. I took it upon myself to go the TMI with many of my pregnant friends for the same reasons. Also get her up to speed on childbirth. (I can help: http://theseversons.net/2011/04/this-is-how-i-throw-a-baby-shower/ Mesh panties 4eva!)

HerStories Project
11 years ago

It is truly a miracle that women agree to reproduce, often more than once. None of my pregnancy "side effects" were all that bad, but I was one of those women who read about pregnancy horrors and thought to themselves, "Oh, that'll never happen to me!" Guess again.

HerStories Project
11 years ago

It is truly a miracle that women agree to reproduce, often more than once. None of my pregnancy "side effects" were all that bad, but I was one of those women who read about pregnancy horrors and thought to themselves, "Oh, that'll never happen to me!" Guess again.

Nikki | Days With Us
11 years ago

This cracked me up, and also made me nod my head steadily in absolute agreement. Someone commented that once you have children there seems to be unspoken agreement that TMI will always be shared whether you ask or not. Funny, funny stuff. Nikki | DAYSWITHUS | dayswithus.com

Nikki | Days With Us
11 years ago

This cracked me up, and also made me nod my head steadily in absolute agreement. Someone commented that once you have children there seems to be unspoken agreement that TMI will always be shared whether you ask or not. Funny, funny stuff. Nikki | DAYSWITHUS | dayswithus.com

Stephanie Sprenger
11 years ago

Shut. Up. This is so awesome, hilarious, depressing, and yes, true. (I think you will definitely be the "most clicked" post at Honest Voices this week- 😉 ) My childless friend, who hopes to have kids in the next few years, got laser hair removal to ALL her pubic hair. I should have told her that someday- she would wish she had a little more coverage. Things ain't what they used to be down there….

11 years ago

I'm so glad you put this up!!! Hilarious!!!

TheShitastrophy
11 years ago

Yup had no idea on any of this shit till after – WTF is that? This should be part of the sex ed classes I had to sit through in high school. I am pretty sure teenage pregnancies would drop drastically if they knew the truth.

11 years ago

Yes and Amen to everyone of those. I don't even know if people wrote blogs when I had my first kid 16 years ago, but I'm sure the odd crisis could have been averted 🙂

One Funny Motha
11 years ago

Sad but true. Sad but true.

Kimbra
11 years ago

The symptoms of pregnancy should be shown (I am talking full out visual) to anyone attempting or thinking about pregnancy. Fortunately for me my boobs grew and feet shrank, but holy hell the stretch marks are something from a horror movie and on top of that I had 4 c sections so there is stretch marks and scars
http://www.mommysrambles.blogspot.com

OMG! This is so funny and, sadly, so very, very true!

Norine Dworkin
11 years ago

L-O-FUCKIN'-L, JULIE! This had me ROTFLMAO! And all I have to add is … just wait till perimenopause! There's still more fun in store for us gals! — Norine aka 1/2 of Science Of Parenthood (www.scienceofparenthood.com)

11 years ago

I love this post so much, Julie, and my very favorite thing about it is that you said "taint." Thanks for making something so depressing into something hilarious!

Nannypology Stories
11 years ago

Ummm….. way to scare me out of EVER HAVING KIDS! Seriously though. Yikes.

Michelle Mossey
11 years ago

Hilarious! Sad and true but by hilarious! Stopping from
Party With Me Friday!

Lynne DeAmelio
5 years ago

I love this! And I must say that this post is the BEST birth control out there!

Amy
11 years ago

LOL Julie! So funny and sadly true. I have always had quite small boobs, so I thought it would be awesome to get big ones when breastfeeding. It turned out to be some horridly cruel joke that the three times in my life when I have had huge tatas (for me only when engorged at a week or two postpartum) the rest of my body was bloated and saggy and otherwise horrendous, and I couldn't even think of letting my hubby near my lovely but rock-hard and painful and LEAKING MILK boobs.
And now that I'm neither pregnant nor nursing (for the first time in 5 years) they have shrunk to EVEN SMALLER than before they were when I first got pregnant. I'm like a 12 year old again over here. Except with "child bearing hips." And stretch marks. Nice.

Amy
11 years ago

LOL Julie! So funny and sadly true. I have always had quite small boobs, so I thought it would be awesome to get big ones when breastfeeding. It turned out to be some horridly cruel joke that the three times in my life when I have had huge tatas (for me only when engorged at a week or two postpartum) the rest of my body was bloated and saggy and otherwise horrendous, and I couldn't even think of letting my hubby near my lovely but rock-hard and painful and LEAKING MILK boobs.
And now that I'm neither pregnant nor nursing (for the first time in 5 years) they have shrunk to EVEN SMALLER than before they were when I first got pregnant. I'm like a 12 year old again over here. Except with "child bearing hips." And stretch marks. Nice.

Nicole
9 years ago

Best. Post. Ever!!!!!

Angela
9 years ago

I wasn't sure how to explain to my husband what happened to my pink vagina after six children, so I had him read this. He said he's cool with it as long as it never turns green.

I'm 39. Someone PLEASE tell me that I do NOT have worry that my vagina will get green with age. Please.