I need a village immediately.

Leaving the house alone on the days I have both boys is somewhat a Christmas miracle. With all of the planning that goes into just stepping out the door, I often wonder if it’s worth it. It’s ridiculous how many things have to be in order before we even get to the car.

The car is another story for another day.

Packing to go just about anywhere is like preparing for a natural disaster. Do I have enough diapers? Wipes? Water? Fruit snacks? Changes of clothes? Do I have sippy cups? Does it have the spill proof little doodad in it or do I have to yet again fish around in the garbage disposal?

I have to nurse the baby before we leave, to decrease the chances of having to do so in public. I don’t know why I feel eyes glaring when I whip out my Udder Cover, but I do. This should be the least of everyone’s worries because at least I’m using the cover. I used to be modest, but I no longer have the time or patience. Consider yourself lucky if you have never seen my nipples.

While I nurse, I beg the other to find his shoes and attempt to redirect him every three seconds when he sees something shiny and loses focus. Once the shoes are located, we have the verbal jacket battle because that is my next request. Since logic is an unnecessary tool in conversations with everyone in my house except my husband, things often get interesting. I come up with all sorts of good reasons why he should wear the stupid thing and he throws toys and remote controls, and whatever else is handy.

Finally, we’re all packed up, the diaper bag, which is a big yellow duffle bag, is overflowing to the point where I can’t zipper it, I’m sweating, and both kids are screaming. We haven’t even made it towards the door and I’m physically and emotionally exhausted. The preschooler doesn’t want to wear a jacket and Jordan is pissed that no one has been looking at him for 10 seconds.

By the time we’re all bundled up and ready to go, I’m wishing for a bolt of lightening to strike me dead, but we’re ready. Now, to find the keys. Mommy Brain is a very serious illness that DOES exist no matter what anyone may say. I would literally leave my head everywhere if it were not attached. The keys seem to never be where I remember leaving them and between the sweating, screaming etc., the film score might sound something like a slasher movie right before someone gets stabbed repeatedly. Eek Eeek Eeeek.

I find them, we’re walking…I have the two bags, the baby seat in hand, and we’re almost to the door… and then… there comes an awful sound from the baby’s diaper.  He is notorious for pooping all the way through his clothing approximately six or seven minutes after being placed in the car seat. I’ve started putting him in the thing long before we have to leave for this reason because I cannot get a handle on the timing.

The stress of leaving my house is enough to cause pattern baldness. The African proverb, “It takes a village” might apply here and I may look into finding one and moving there if it will lower my stress level.

I think this might be why people with gaggles of kids have so much time for sex.

They must never get out.

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Kristi Campbell
11 years ago

YES! Mommy Brain is totally real. And I really wish I had a village, too. Sigh.

11 years ago

I cant believe how poorly my brain functions these days. I can't remember ANYTHING anymore. I walk into a room with a purpose but as soon as I enter I have no reason why I am there. And then….um…what was I saying? Anyway…um….yeah.

Yup, I just "shaved" almost a whole leg in the shower before realizing I hadn't removed the cover. It's real.

It's totally real. We could all use a village. I think that's the whole idea, right? Thank God we have each other!!

11 years ago

I think in theory that you just need more kids, like the Duggars, so the older ones can put shoes and jackets on the younger ones. However, I have more kids (5 in my house) who are all older (youngest is 10) and I still am fairly convinced there's slasher music playing whenever we attempt to leave the house en masse.

11 years ago

You always make me laugh. I do indeed fancy myself lucky to have not seen your boobs. Ha. I too am a firm believer in Mommy Brain. And the Duggars are most definitely trapped in their house so what else are they going to do?

11 years ago

Great title! And it gets better. 🙂

11 years ago

OMG! love love love it Julie! and your page looks amazing! I can totally understand about getting the kids out of the house.. but NOT as a parent… only a nanny with one 7 month old in this particular instance! Essentially, as I was telling you, remembering the baby is the biggest part of the whole ordeal! ooooh and pooping at the most terrible moment of departure! ESP when you have a whole shabang of winter gear on the booboo!

10 years ago

Hilarious… but just so you know it does get better, you will be able to leave the house within 30 minutes of announcing and then 20 and then 10… ten whole minutes and they can get shoes and coats and bags. ALL BY THEMSELVES… SO hold onto that vodka bottle , it gets better

The Shitastrophy
10 years ago

The dreaded shoe/jacket battle. One time my son refused to get dressed, absolutely down right refused. I put him in the car for pre-school in his underwear I was so pissed. He then realized that his mom might be crazy and he should just go ahead and get dressed. Wise choice. Good luck – it does get better, it's just making it that point that totally bites.

10 years ago

I had to carry a three-year old fireman style over my shoulder to get out of the house this morning. Daddy had put his shoes on "wrong" and I was late for work. His teacher at day care said he was the second one to come in this morning mid-fit. Oy!!

Kerri Ames
10 years ago

Ha! So that is why they have so many kids, they couldn't leave the house after the first. I think you need wine, chocolate and a village to survive parenthood. I am still looking for the village.

It's why you like me
10 years ago

Makes me thankful I'm past these years and can just yell "Get your crap together!" Visiting from the Hump Day Hook Up

10 years ago

haha! The Duggars have all those older kids to do all the babysitting. I need some of those (for free!). My 8yo and 4yo DO NOT get along, so I can't have that. If I stay in the house then all the kids do is fight. If I try to come up with an activity, they all want to do different activities or they fight. If we some place, they embarrass me. I usually go for the embarrassment bc at least then I have something to tweet or blog about. Ha!

Norine of Science of Parenthoo
10 years ago

Ha! Totally been there. It does get easier to maneuver out the door once the kiddos can put on their own shoes and tote their own bags.

10 years ago

LOL! Collin used to poop his diaper just as the bus pulled up to fetch him for school. That was the worse. Now, he's got his timing down and does it a good 30 minutes before hand. I wish I could say it gets easier, but I even have these kinds of issues with y 22 year old. 😀

One Funny Motha
10 years ago

"We haven't even made it towards the door and I'm physically and emotionally exhausted." Yes, yes, yes, a thousand times yes. I remember those days & I hated every second of them. I always hated that saying although it is true that it takes a village. Unfortunately, there is none.

8 years ago

I don't miss the days with the diaper bags and all the whatnot that goes into a trip out of the house with the little ones. This brought back all of those same feelings. I still remember and even thought the older kids have their own set of issues when it comes to getting up and getting out it's still easier. So look forward to better days, my friend. They're coming.