I was chatting with one of my best friends from high school yesterday afternoon. She was feeling guilty for sitting on her couch eating a whole chicken cutlet sub from our favorite sandwich shop, and I was cleaning human shit off my couch. Needless to say, I was a bit envious of my friend’s biggest problem as it compared to my own, but it got me thinking and missing a simpler time in my life.

Once upon a time, I didn’t worry about someone shitting on my couch. And, if someone had, they would have been asked to leave and we never would have spoken again – ever. Sadly, that is no longer an option. These days, I clean all kinds of disgusting things off my couch; while the person responsible yells at me to get them a glass of water. What’s worse? Not only can I not give them the boot, I have to get the water. I started thinking about other things that are just memories now.

There was once a time, I could sit on my couch and enjoy a whole cup of yogurt without someone taking a dump in front of me. If I had I’d only known those days would end, I would not have taken those moments for granted. As it turns out, food takes much better without bearing witness to other people’s shit. These days, at least once a day, someone shits in my living room.

I used to be entitled to personal space. My body was rarely confused with a jungle gym, and my clothes did not play close second to a soft tissue. These days, I can’t even get halfway through an apple without it becoming community property.

“Co-sleeping” used to be an extracurricular activity enjoyed by all. Honestly, “no-sleeping” might be a more fitting term, because it’s surprisingly difficult to hit REM while being kicked in face repeatedly by a spidermonkey.

I remember when the flashing of my knockers occurred only where there was cash or beads involved. Okay, I made that up, but seriously. I have no idea how my husband can sexualize me after seeing the way my boobs are treated. Nursing is notΒ glamorous.

It may sound like I’m complaining, but I’m not. I’m merely calling attention to the fact that some of life before kids was terrific. I’m simply reminiscing days before daily violation by ways of tiny hands and saliva.

It’s possible I sat on my couch feeling guilty about eating a whole delicious sub by myself. My couch used to be a place I wanted to eat food.

I vaguely remember hot baths and going to the bathroom all by myself. Long phone conversations without any screaming or crying were not overrated.

I have traded in my “me” time and clean curtains for the joys of motherhood. I haven’t shaved my legs in a month. Not because I don’t like having soft, hairless legs, but because it’s difficult and dangerous to use sharp objects two inches away from a toddler in a slippery shower.

I’m hairy, half-showered, and exhausted like it’s my job – because it is. I’m frumpy, and my wardrobe consists of yoga pants without yoga. I call them “life pants.”

I can’t remember the last time I enjoyed a food by myself, without someone else’s hands or spit on it.

There is human shit on my couch.

I know someday I will miss these days. Maybe, once the kids have moved out, it will be all too quiet. Perhaps one day, I will sit on the couch in my quiet house with a cup of yogurt and wish someone was laying on top of me screaming for a cup of water.

One thing’s for sure. I will not miss the shit.

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10 years ago

I laughed through this entire post. (Got some strange looks from the neighbors cause I'm reading this outside) Loved it.

Oh, and? You will miss it. A lot.

Lucy Ball
10 years ago

Yes. I get it. My day revolves around the consumption or expulsion of food from various bodily entrance and exit points. It's awesome. You made me laugh. So hard! When will the book be finished???

Haha, I'll work on it between craziness. It should be finished by the time the boys are in college. πŸ˜‰

I'm so glad you liked it!! πŸ™‚ I know I'll miss it, not the shit, I won't miss the shit, but I know I'll miss the rest. I do look forward to enjoying a nice cup of yogurt again… just sayin.

10 years ago

This made me laugh so hard. I was the first of all my girlfriends to get married and have a baby, and therefore, can SOOO can identify with being reminded of how awesome 'life before' was. There were days when I wanted to assault my BFF because she could do what she pleased, when she decided to without harassment from a little human who was hungry or tired or needed to be changed. Now we both have multiple children, and trying to have a simple phone conversation with complete sentences is a train wreck…lol. Anyway…GREAT post!!

10 years ago

We are so on the same wavelength! Just this morning I was freaking out (inside) because my toddler would not stop pushing on me with his feet. Not kicking – just pressure as we were sitting on the couch. It was driving me nuts & made me miss my personal space. But then he puts his arms around my neck and gives me a big wet kiss and all is forgotten/forgiven. Someday, he won't want to be in the same room as me (let alone touch me!) so I'll enjoy it while I can. Love, love, love this post!

Science of Parenthood
10 years ago

LOL! The things we put up with as moms! Potty training my kiddo, I actually sat down on a public restroom floor to wait for him to do something in the bowl. No, there's not enough clorox for that!

10 years ago

"Like, remember when shit on the couch was a non-issue? There was a time in my life that I never thought about shit, especially someone else's." This completely cracked me up. It is so true! Unidentified brown substances are also problematic. Could be chocolate, could be garden dirt, but it is probably neither.

10 years ago

Mine are thirteen and two, which I take as proof that I didn't really miss it, so much as forget. πŸ˜‰ Also, love this post. πŸ™‚

10 years ago

I'm so glad you enjoyed it πŸ™‚ Yes, I feel like the comparison between life before and after kids is impossible because they're not even in the same weight class. You know? It's like comparing wine and urine.

10 years ago

Thanks Sara! I miss personal space like I imagine I would miss oxygen if it were suddenly taken from me. It is worth it, in the end, but how much would I love the guilt of a chicken cutlet sub to be my biggest problem right now? You know the answer.

10 years ago

Oh em Jesus. That is dedication! I hope he went after all that!!

10 years ago

Ha! I never assume it's chocolate because that could be way dangerous. Thanks Rose!!

10 years ago

That's awesome! I have a 17yo girl (kill me), a three year old boy, and a 10mo. I feel your pain, hear you, and raise. πŸ™‚

One Funny Motha
10 years ago

No, you can't ask the kids to leave, can you? It's too bad too b/c that would have saved me a lot of trouble. But when you say someone poops in your living room once a day, I'm having a little trouble understanding. Is that where you keep the little potty or is it while you kid is wearing a diaper or is you kid pooping on you couch daily? B/c that ain't right. And in that case I would ask him to leave & no longer speak to him.

10 years ago

I remember those bygone, time to myself, do what I want days. They won't ever come back, will they?

Kelley Pritchard Cole
10 years ago

Hahaha. OMG. Thank you for making me LOL today. πŸ˜‰ (Came from Honest Mom's Link Up).

10 years ago

Just ewww. But hilarious because we've all been there.Thanks for hooking up again the the HUmp Day Hook Up

Jules-Julie Marie Barham
9 years ago

I cannot possibly agree more. I empathize and understand 100000%. My couches… I can't even. I was literally just thinking today… just 21 months ago my couches were beautiful. Now, well they're couches. You speak my language. Perfect post!