Driving makes me crazy during the holiday rush. It is vital that I find humor, and also helpful to have someone else, (preferably over eighteen due to explicit language), with me at all times.
The preschooler can often be heard from the backseat spouting “Ah you kiddin’ me?” which mocks the G-rated version.
It gets ugly…real ugly.
So, I’ve decided to jot down a couple of suggestions for my fellow drivers this holiday season; in case anyone cares (I know you don’t, but just humor me).
That turn signal? Not just for decoration
Contrary to popular belief, use of your blinker is not optional; it’s expected. I am not a mind reader and have no idea you’re trying to merge into my lane if you don’t give me a heads up. In addition, I find it utterly ridiculous for you to get angry and/or yell at me as if I’m intentionally cock blocking you from the lane because…
- I can’t hear you; both your window and mine are up, ‘cuz it’s cold outside.
- Acting like a raving lunatic, with or without flipping me the bird, is probably not going to motivate me to be nice to you.
Do not speed up just because someone is trying to merge
If by some Christmas miracle, someone does alert you of their intentions to merge, don’t speed up so they can’t get into your lane. Getting wherever you are going 20 seconds before they do isn’t worth it. Besides, it makes you look like a complete dick and Jesus is watching you. I’m pretty sure he’s friends with Santa. Don’t be a dick.
Yield signs are not an indication it’s time to play Chicken
I know it’s super confusing, but that yield sign means proceed with caution. It’s not an invitation to play some terrifying version of “chicken” on the highway. Tip: My car is traveling at least 65mph, and your car isn’t. Nuff said.
Put down your phone
Texting while driving is never a good idea. If you need to text someone right now, it’s cool. I’m not judging. Just maybe pull over so it doesn’t result in a six car pile-up and perhaps death.
Driving is no time for a long winter’s nap
If you’re confused about whether it might be okay to take a quick catnap while you’re driving a car, it’s not. When you mix sleeping and driving, you run the risk of losing control of your vehicle and accidentally committing homicide. Please don’t kill people. It’s Christmas!
If you’re wearing earbuds in both ears, you can’t hear me beep if you fall asleep and weave into my lane
Earbuds are important for hands-free driving. They are not for listening to your favorite iTunes playlist. That’s what your radio is for. I know, I know – another confusing car trick.
That box in the middle of your dashboard? That plays music! You can even control the volume so you can blast it and hear me honking my horn before you sideswipe me and my kids on the highway. Might I suggest, “It’s The Most Wonderful Time of the Year,” on repeat?
Stay in your lane
It is actually NEVER okay to take a right turn from the left hand lane or a left from the right…EVER. This is driving 101, and there is no way to attempt this beyond stupid move without looking like a selfish fucking douche. Just stay in your lane and turn around if you missed the turn. Better late than dead.
In conclusion, don’t be a dick, fall asleep, or kill people while you are driving.
Thanks in advance! Happy holidays.