Because Life Was on the List • Julie Maida

My daughter decided to attend her junior prom, and it was pretty wonderful to be a part of — even though she might literally be the most ungrateful person on Earth. I simply tried to enjoy myself around her demands, attitude and sass; to see through them. After all, she was anxious and excited, and I knew none of it was personal.

It was truly an honor to drop her off, and I know later in her life – after the bitch wears off – she’ll look back and remember how I cried. She, of course, yelled very loudly for me to stop in what I can only assume was an attempt to embarrass me in front of the whole town – but whatever.

I wasn’t at all embarrassed. I was proud and grateful to be there bawling, because that moment was on my list.

When my daughter was four years old, I tried to end my life. It was beyond unbearably painful to live and, as much as I tried, I could not stop hurting myself and others. I didn’t know what was happening, but I was pretty sure I was the victim of Life, and just wanted the pain to stop. I had probably a couple of diagnoses at this point, as well as non-compliance with medication – medication that should not be mixed with alcohol.

I reached my end one night, after some insignificant event I blew out of proportion, and I was ready to die. I was of course intoxicated and sobbing, because it was two in the morning, and there weren’t many nights I wasn’t. That particular night had me feeling extremely overwhelmed and unable to climb out from the rubble.

I ingested a bottle of pills, and sat down to write letters to my family. I wanted everyone left behind to know how lost I felt and how very sorry I was for all of the things I was going to miss. I wrote a very long, guilt ridden letter to my parents and then started one for my daughter. Her letter read much like a list, because there was so much of her life that I would miss.

I apologized I would not be there for her first day of school. I was sorry I would not be around during the changes in her life and body; when she might need me most. I begged my daughter to forgive me for missing prom and graduation, her wedding, and the birth of her babies. I added these things to the list, and tried with all of my might to believe I had no choice in leaving. I convinced myself that I was not worthy of these beautiful moments with her, and that my presence would not be necessary.

Depression is a lying bitch, and without defense against her I was open to all suggestion. I was a loser, a terrible mother that couldn’t show up – a waste of oxygen. Self-pity City is a dangerous place to visit, and I was living there.

I continued that letter to my daughter, and it saved my life.

It was while I scratched paper with pen and made that wonderful list that hope found me. In that tiny room, surrounded by the mess I had made of my life, it was in that list that I found strength; a tiny voice inside me whispered, “be there.” I wanted so badly to be there, and so I began to fight.

I asked for help for the first time and I received it immediately. I didn’t feel worthy of it at first, but I accepted it on behalf of my daughter. Many remarkable things occurred after that amazing moment.

I got sober, I took action to make my circumstances better, and I learned how to take responsibility for my own life. I began to surround myself with people whom I admired, and I trusted them to help me become a better woman and mother. I started to practice certain changes in my behavior, and I started to feel better. Hope was restored piecemeal, and I was able to build a life for myself and my daughter.

So, on the day of her prom, I cried. I cried for the lost woman who didn’t understand how precious that moment would be and almost missed it. I cried for the list and the incredible opportunity to cross off one more beautiful event, because I was there.

I was not embarrassed; I was grateful.

I yelled back to her “So what? I’m crying because I love you, and I don’t care who’s watching!”

And I didn’t.

Previous Post: I Got Sober Today

Next Post: The Road to Recovery is Paved With Forgiveness

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

54 Comments

Newest

Oldest Most Voted

Inline Feedbacks

View all comments

Dana

11 years ago

Oh Julie. I'm so glad you made that list, and found the strength to turn your life around and experience the things that are on the list. The world would be less happy without you in it.

Dana

11 years ago

Oh Julie. I'm so glad you made that list, and found the strength to turn your life around and experience the things that are on the list. The world would be less happy without you in it.

You Are a Good Mama

11 years ago

Thank you for sharing this powerful story. I'm so glad you found hope in that list and are with us today. You are a strong woman!

Kerri Ames

11 years ago

This is so beautiful. Yes it was on your list and yes she will appreciate you once the bitch wears off. I hope your list is long. There are a whole bunch of experiences to live for, I am glad you found yours

Kerri Ames

11 years ago

Motherhood and Miscellany

11 years ago

Beautiful. This just made me cry. I wish you all of those "list" moments and so many more, even if your dear girl isn't too appreciative right now 🙂

Motherhood and Miscellany

11 years ago

Beautiful. This just made me cry. I wish you all of those "list" moments and so many more, even if your dear girl isn't too appreciative right now 🙂

Audrey

11 years ago

Thank you for sharing your story! I'm sure blogging helps a lot to overcome your past, too. Just keep up the good work!

Audrey

11 years ago

Thank you for sharing your story! I'm sure blogging helps a lot to overcome your past, too. Just keep up the good work!