I was in line at the bank the other day, and this dude standing in front of me turned around and did the whole face-belly-face thing.
He was just standing there staring blankly back at me. I thought he might be confused so I said, “There’s a baby in there,” to break the awkward silence, and he stuttered back,
“Yeah, I thought so.”
Apparently, I am some sort of enigma because I’m carrying a baby. It’s 2012, and 12-year-olds are doing it, but whatever.
Seriously though, if you don’t have anything smart, funny, or interesting to say, please don’t spread your verbal diarrhea.
It’s a legit situation. Strangers are getting in on this action, and it’s nonsense.
Here are a few of my personal favorites.
“WOW. You’ve gotten A LOT bigger since I last saw you!”
If someone says this to you while you’re making a human with your body, respond with, “Oh my God, thank you!! So have you! What’s your excuse?” Then, stare blankly until they feel the weight of their own stupidity and walk away, and vow to never speak to you again.
“Are you sure there is only one in there?”
Yes. Shut up. You suck.
“Holy shit, you’re huge!”
Hard stop. If you have ever said this to literally anyone – pregnant or not – we would all appreciate if you never left your house ever again.
“Any day now, huh?”
I understand this is supposed to be endearing or something — like when people hand you water while you’re in the homestretch of a marathon, but it’s not the same.
Some women show pretty early in their pregnancy, especially if it’s not the first, and no one needs your commentary. No one.
“You don’t even look pregnant!”
Some women have experienced the loss of pregnancy, and none of us need you to add to the angst of worry we already live in.
If someone tells you they’re pregnant, they’re probably not making it up. Just tell them they’re glowing or something, and move on with your life.
“What are you having?”
A baby, Idiot. Mind your business.
I hope I’ve made my point.
Pregnancy is, in no way, an invitation for you to speak. If you must, please note, it is not okay to say the first horrible thing that comes to mind.
If someone in your life is pregnant, and you have said anything that could be heard as horribly insensitive, shame on you.
Please call her immediately and then bring her ice cream sundae or cheeseburger. You tell her she’s beautiful, amazing, wicked smart, and uber funny.
If all else fails, say less.