NOTE: This post is dripping with sarcasm. If you have trouble or are uncomfortable with dark humor/satire, maybe check this one out instead.
Dear Young Girls,
In case the messages being sent out to women on the daily aren’t reaching you or clear enough, I wanted to take a few minutes to school you on the realities of life with a vagina.
First, and foremost, it is important that you understand feeling safe is never an option. Sadly, not getting sexually assaulted by men requires constant vigilance, and is entirely your responsibility. After all, “boys will be boys.” Men have needs, and are hard wired to get them met.
You will be taught repeatedly during your life how to avoid getting raped, while the boys around you are taught how to avoid or entertain a rape accusation. Don’t pretend that’s not fair.
You are the one with the curves and appeal. If you didn’t want the attention, you wouldn’t leave your house. You should also be aware (to ensure maximum guilt) that if you do go ahead and get yourself assaulted, reporting it may ruin your rapist’s life and future.
Just the charge alone might smear his reputation. You will be asked to consider this before reporting your assault; and also if you’re prepared to have your entire sexual history, clothing choices, flirtation rituals and reputation exploited by the defense. Were you alone with him? What the hell did you expect when you passed out in that alleyway? I mean, really.
Your viable options where violations to your body are concerned are pretty simple. Either lay low and out of sight or just lay there quietly, until he’s finished, and shut up about it.
You may be told, “This is just the way it is.”
Society may try to sell the idea that you own the rights to your body, but the facts scream that this is just not true. Whatever you believe your life’s purpose may be, please understand that the needs and desires of men should always come first on your “to do” lists.
You do nit get to decide who and what happens to you if you make the decision to trust someone with your body. So, to help you avoid inadvertently inviting rape into your life, I have taken the liberty of coming up with 20 totally reasonable suggestions for not accidentally walking around with a brilliant “Rape Me” sign.
#1 Never consume alcohol, in any quantity – ever
Imagine openly drinking alcohol as a penis party invitation for all the men you know. It’s basically like asking men to rape you.
#2 Don’t wear skirts, heels, lipstick, tight clothes, low-cut shirts, or feel even the slightest bit sexy in any way
All of these things make it pretty obvious you want to be sexually assaulted.
#3 Spend hours de-sexifying yourself, and never exude anything that resembles confidence
It is very important to note. As a woman, you should always feel ashamed of your body, as it is merely a tool for men to find pleasure. Things like assertiveness, confidence, and comfort will be viewed as invitations to tame you.
#4 Do not tease, challenge, or confuse men by saying things like, “Not interested” or “No”
These words send the message that you’d rather be sleeping or unconscious during your consensual sex with them.
#5 Whenever approached by a man, just do whatever he says
If you always just do what men tell you to, they won’t have to rape you. Another plus is that you won’t ever have to embarrass yourself by thinking the justice system cares more about your life and future than that of a rapist.
#6 Always wear anti-rape underwear with a combination lock on it
Yes, of course that’s a thing! We’ve already established it’s up to you. Who else’s responsibility should it be to make sure your body is not violated by men? You think you can just walk around flaunting your unprotected vagina all day and not draw attention?
What happens if you’re assaulted and your rapist’s defense attorney asks what kind of “come and get it” clothing you were wearing??
Is anti-rape underwear super convenient, affordable, or comfortable? Absolutely not, but let’s not start pretending this is about you.
#7 Don’t be a heavy sleeper
If you are a heavy sleeper, please refer back to number six.
#8 Don’t go to college
Everyone knows women only go to college to get their party on so they can falsely accuse men of raping them. There are plenty of colleges where lack of consciousness doesn’t count as non-consent. I mean, you can’t say no if you’re passed out now, can you? Besides, if you’re going to drink with frat boys, maybe you should be more careful whose floor you fall onto in need of assistance.
#9 Go to college, but never hang out alone with anyone who might have a penis
Hanging alone with men in college is basically like saying you want to have sex with them. If then you think it’s perfectly fine to reject their advances, you leave them with no choice but to rape you.
#10 Don’t go to bars
If you go to bars and order drinks, you’re practically begging someone to drop you a sleeping pill and rape you.
#11 Go to bars, but make sure to stare at your beverage the whole time
Watching your drink like a hawk is the only way to let a guy know you prefer not to be in a drug-induced coma while he gives you the sex you so obviously want.
#12 Don’t leave, or ever invite men to your place
Being friends with a guy could be viewed as a mating ritual. Better safe, than sorry.
#13 Always be on the lookout for possible ways you could be raped today, and then just make all your life decisions based on how to avoid it
#14 Don’t believe the lie that it’s okay to have consensual sex with some men and not all
Enjoying or valuing your body, in any way, can make you look like a slut; therefor an easier, more welcoming victim…Whoops! I mean, target.
#15 Don’t be a virgin
The decision to “save” yourself or wait makes you a tease and an easier target for raping/victim blaming.
Your virginity may also make the prize (your vagina) more valuable, and force men to compete to be the lucky one to break you.
#16 Please find the delicate balance between “whore” and “prude”
If you are a woman, being picky about who you have sex with can be risky. Be sure to choose one of your only two acceptable options: whore or prude Both labels dramatically decrease your chances of being believed after-the-fact, but sometimes it’s how other people view us that really matters.
#17 Don’t pretend you’re interested or aroused by anything other than a good penising
Everyone knows all a woman needs is the right man to show her what’s up. Telling men you’re a lesbian is like begging them to be that man. When in doubt, refer to #5.
#18 If you do get yourself raped, keep that shit to yourself
There’s never a need to muddy a poor guy’s reputation. Why should his life and/or future be ruined just because you weren’t careful enough or unconsciously asked him to penetrate you? Understand, men deserve an amazing college experience free from the labels and consequences that nicknames like “Roger the Rapist” might bring about. He’ll never become a powerful politician if you tell everyone the truth.
Just kidding. He probably will.
#19 Don’t believe that some men are trustworthy and safe
This will only serve to make you feel responsible when you inevitably get raped by someone you thought was your friend. Just treat all men like they want to rape you, and take the appropriate precautions.
It’s not like they can help it anyway, right? Poor things.
#20 If you’re going to put yourself in a position to be raped, make sure he’s not a big deal.
Make sure your rapist is not super popular or talented with “a great future ahead of him,” or (God forbid) already famous. Everyone will know you passed out in that dark alley just to taunt him. Besides, nobody wants to risk the chances of other women missing the opportunity to experience rape via a phenomenal athlete, famous actor, photographer or director.
Don’t be selfish.
That sand and glass will wash out of your hair, but rape convictions stain.